As we approach Big A’s 4th birthday tomorrow, I can’t help but reflect on all the excruciating pain I was in four years ago today. You see, my son’s birthday is June 14, but all the work that went into getting him here took place on June 13 (Well, I suppose nine months before that, too, but hey—no need to be vulgar here, OK?).
In an attempt not to sour our female friends’ and acquaintances’ perceptions of having babies, we trivialize our birthing experiences, telling them it “didn’t hurt that much” and “you forget about it right away”.
This is all bullshit.
It hurts like hell, and no, you don’t forget about it right away. You NEVER forget about it (I don’t care what anyone says). You just decide the reward of having that sweet and frequently shit-covered bundle is worth what it takes to get him.
As I relive my experiences of yore, I realize we are going about this whole thing all wrong. Instead of keeping our stories to ourselves, sharing only when among women also in the I’ve Given Birth and Survived…Barely Club, we should be advertising that shit in an effort to deter teenage pregnancy.
Yeah. I know, right? Genius.
Here’s what I envision: A group of women touring the country, speaking to crowds of girls about the horrors of pregnancy and birth. Of course there are the highlights to share as well, but we don’t tell ‘em that! It’d be extra effective if we could get women with God-awful birth stories and, if we’re really serious about this thing, a hugely pregnant woman, preferably with cankles the size of soccer balls and a nasty outbreak of spider veins.
We could even make it a day-long conference thing with breakout sessions and everything. Here are some ideas to get us started:
It’s Not a Rubber Band, It’s a Vagina: An In-Depth Look at the Episiotomy
Pooping on the Table and Other Destroyers of Your Dignity
C-Sections: You Can’t Eat Again Until You Fart
“You’ll Get Your Pre-Baby Body Back” and Other Lies They Tell You
Cellulite, Stretch Marks, and Crepey Skin: So What if Your Boobies Sag?
Nursing Pads and Disposable Undies: Say Hello to the New Sexy
Harvey the Hemorrhoid: Making Friends with Your Bum Hole’s New Residents
I don’t see how this could go wrong.